where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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