Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
