Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
