How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
