if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I pour the whiskey from now on
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
