apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
