Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
