cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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