ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
