wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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