I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
