I feel like abortions should bother me more
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
