I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
