My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
