ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
