with your own penis?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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