Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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