this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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