Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
