she woke up with a sticky ear
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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