Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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