apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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