I puked a lego.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
