so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
