Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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