she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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