The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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