I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
