i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
