I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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