why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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