Need sex. Gaining weight.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
