I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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