you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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