Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
