i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
