Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
