I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
this boner is exhausting
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
