And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
