a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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