I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
