C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
