I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
