I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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