You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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