...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
