honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I can text with my tongue
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
