You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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