Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
