If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
