I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
