she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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