In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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