weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
