I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
should my penis look like a turkey
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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