Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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